Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Turn Your Picture Box Off
I just read The Sports Guy's latest piece on his website. It was entirely about TV shows, in fact, it was his scorecard of all the TV he watched when he threw his back out. For all you TV junkies out there, you will love this article. If you don't want to read it, I'm going to put a few clips on here and discuss them.
The Real World
Sports Guy: "Now it's an out-and-out freak show. Of the three females, one is salty with everyone because she was abandoned by her parents; one spends most of her time arguing with her boyfriend on the camera phone; and one is a self-professed nymphomaniac. Good balance there. The guys aren't much better. For instance, three weeks ago, Landon (short guy from Wisconsin with a booze problem) went drinking with his ex-girlfriend -- the same ex who dumped him for his best friend. Certainly someone you'd want to remain friendly with. She also brought a dumpy friend with her who wobbled around with a blurcle covering her face, then puked red liquid all over someone's boat. Then they left and Landon cried on camera in the Confessional Room, clinching his status as the biggest loser in the history of the series. That was the whole show."
First of all, you have to appreciate how he equated Wisconsin with having a booze problem when he wrote about Landon. Second of all, he is exactly right. This is TV at its worst. This is such garbage. I hate it, and at the same time, I watch it. I have no moral fiber.
The Bachelor
Sports Guy: "Here's the biggest problem with "The Bachelor:" Everything leads to the final proposal, which always ends up being the most uncomfortable 20 minutes of the year for anyone who remotely values their manhood. Hence, no male viewer in his right mind would watch the final episode unless he was in traction with an unfeeling wife who refused to change the channel. If I'm stuck watching this crap to the end, at least give me a host cracking jokes like "Wow, Byron, congrats not only on the engagement, but on making a blubbering ass of yourself in front of 20 million people." Or,"Mary, congrats on falling in love on a contrived TV show twice in a 14-month span; you're clearly not insane at all."
Thanks to Bill Simmons for putting my thoughts into words. My sister subjected me to this crap for 40 minutes on Thanksgiving until I caved and went downstairs to play ping-pong with three kids ages 9 and under. Yeah, that's how bad it was. These people cannot be falling in love all the time and so quickly like this. For the women, this is about winning a competition, love does not even enter into it. For the Bachelors, this is about having power and having 25 women playing for your eye. What guy wouldn't want that? Of all the shit on TV, this is the absolulte most 100% dispicable manipulation of people and insult to viewers. If you watch this crap, please salvage your dignity and fuckin' knock it off. I haven't wrote the word "fuck" on here in a while, that felt good.
If there is anything you should take away from this article, it is the realization that you are allowing networks to feed you absolute shitty TV. It's fuckin' horrible. People need to stop watching whatever is on so networks will be forced to put out quality TV. You can't tell me you actually really enjoy and look forward to Blind Date or Pimp My Ride or any of that other bullshit that takes the creative mind of a third grader to put together. Stop watching it; demand better. If there is no demand, there will be no supply. Work with me, kids.
A TV Moment/Disaster of My Own:
We fellas at The 213 have a digital cable box problem for probably a month. Heed finally went to get a new one yesterday. When I hooked up, we found that we were receiving all the movie channels. This also happened the last time we had to get a new box. (By the way, can they not make a good box? And, can we have some better technology than the little screw things at the end of co-axle wires? Like just a plug or something, screwing those things is horrendous.) So we have the movie channels, and The Rizz is flipping through the channels when we come upon "Hotel Erotica" on Cinemax. Ah, yes, soft core porn, does it get any better while being so bad? So we have this business woman who has a male assistant who is her bitch pretty much, doing all her errands and such. BitchBoy meets the female assistant of a bussinesman who tells him that he needs to find out what she wants in order to break free from being The Bitch. Yes, I followed the plot line. So then, of course, Bitch Boy thinks he knows what to do. He goes to the room with some wine that Boss Lady wanted and when he enters the room, he finds her riding this Other Dude. This is soft core porn at its best. You have both pelvic regions moving in unison and in the same direction. Simple laws of physics will tell you that even if there is penetration, there is no actual movement creating friction. So this brings about the following comments from The Rizz, S-Mac, and myself, "He's gotta still be hard, doesn't he?" "Is it taped to his leg?" "How about the fake moans?" "She does have nice tits." There is no better situation for some really good jokes and loud laughs than having 3-4 guys in a room watching soft core porn. I know that sounds pretty homoerotic, but get over it. So anyway, back to the engrossing plot line, Bitch Boy is bummed, but fear not, Female Assistant is there to fuck him in the hot tub. I swear to the leader of atheists that you barely need to be alive to be a male actor in a soft core porno. Then the unthinkable happens: We lose the movie channels. The subscription notice pops up on screen. Just bad timing, we didn't even get to see how it ended. We didn't get the channels back either. Hotel Erotica was gone for good. Unreal, our house was pissed. Curse words. Bewilderment. Astonishment. Then I just watched some real porn on my computer.
And then on to more TV. Did anyone see or read Bravo's list of the 100 TV Characters of all-time?
First, I am sick of lists.
Second, this one sucked.
Third, here's why:
How were Sam and Diane the only people from Cheers on the list? No Norm? No Cliff? No Woody? No Coach? Absurd. That pretty much invalidates the entire list right there. No need to move on.
Speaking of Norm, played by George Wendt, was there any other more comedic and mismatched pair in any music video of all-time than George Wendt and Macaulay Culkin in Michael Jackson's Black and White video???
By the way, I suggest catching the Jamie Foxx episode of Inside the Actors Studio. When the hell are they going to put that out on DVD?
Enough.
Until Next Time.
The Real World
Sports Guy: "Now it's an out-and-out freak show. Of the three females, one is salty with everyone because she was abandoned by her parents; one spends most of her time arguing with her boyfriend on the camera phone; and one is a self-professed nymphomaniac. Good balance there. The guys aren't much better. For instance, three weeks ago, Landon (short guy from Wisconsin with a booze problem) went drinking with his ex-girlfriend -- the same ex who dumped him for his best friend. Certainly someone you'd want to remain friendly with. She also brought a dumpy friend with her who wobbled around with a blurcle covering her face, then puked red liquid all over someone's boat. Then they left and Landon cried on camera in the Confessional Room, clinching his status as the biggest loser in the history of the series. That was the whole show."
First of all, you have to appreciate how he equated Wisconsin with having a booze problem when he wrote about Landon. Second of all, he is exactly right. This is TV at its worst. This is such garbage. I hate it, and at the same time, I watch it. I have no moral fiber.
The Bachelor
Sports Guy: "Here's the biggest problem with "The Bachelor:" Everything leads to the final proposal, which always ends up being the most uncomfortable 20 minutes of the year for anyone who remotely values their manhood. Hence, no male viewer in his right mind would watch the final episode unless he was in traction with an unfeeling wife who refused to change the channel. If I'm stuck watching this crap to the end, at least give me a host cracking jokes like "Wow, Byron, congrats not only on the engagement, but on making a blubbering ass of yourself in front of 20 million people." Or,"Mary, congrats on falling in love on a contrived TV show twice in a 14-month span; you're clearly not insane at all."
Thanks to Bill Simmons for putting my thoughts into words. My sister subjected me to this crap for 40 minutes on Thanksgiving until I caved and went downstairs to play ping-pong with three kids ages 9 and under. Yeah, that's how bad it was. These people cannot be falling in love all the time and so quickly like this. For the women, this is about winning a competition, love does not even enter into it. For the Bachelors, this is about having power and having 25 women playing for your eye. What guy wouldn't want that? Of all the shit on TV, this is the absolulte most 100% dispicable manipulation of people and insult to viewers. If you watch this crap, please salvage your dignity and fuckin' knock it off. I haven't wrote the word "fuck" on here in a while, that felt good.
If there is anything you should take away from this article, it is the realization that you are allowing networks to feed you absolute shitty TV. It's fuckin' horrible. People need to stop watching whatever is on so networks will be forced to put out quality TV. You can't tell me you actually really enjoy and look forward to Blind Date or Pimp My Ride or any of that other bullshit that takes the creative mind of a third grader to put together. Stop watching it; demand better. If there is no demand, there will be no supply. Work with me, kids.
A TV Moment/Disaster of My Own:
We fellas at The 213 have a digital cable box problem for probably a month. Heed finally went to get a new one yesterday. When I hooked up, we found that we were receiving all the movie channels. This also happened the last time we had to get a new box. (By the way, can they not make a good box? And, can we have some better technology than the little screw things at the end of co-axle wires? Like just a plug or something, screwing those things is horrendous.) So we have the movie channels, and The Rizz is flipping through the channels when we come upon "Hotel Erotica" on Cinemax. Ah, yes, soft core porn, does it get any better while being so bad? So we have this business woman who has a male assistant who is her bitch pretty much, doing all her errands and such. BitchBoy meets the female assistant of a bussinesman who tells him that he needs to find out what she wants in order to break free from being The Bitch. Yes, I followed the plot line. So then, of course, Bitch Boy thinks he knows what to do. He goes to the room with some wine that Boss Lady wanted and when he enters the room, he finds her riding this Other Dude. This is soft core porn at its best. You have both pelvic regions moving in unison and in the same direction. Simple laws of physics will tell you that even if there is penetration, there is no actual movement creating friction. So this brings about the following comments from The Rizz, S-Mac, and myself, "He's gotta still be hard, doesn't he?" "Is it taped to his leg?" "How about the fake moans?" "She does have nice tits." There is no better situation for some really good jokes and loud laughs than having 3-4 guys in a room watching soft core porn. I know that sounds pretty homoerotic, but get over it. So anyway, back to the engrossing plot line, Bitch Boy is bummed, but fear not, Female Assistant is there to fuck him in the hot tub. I swear to the leader of atheists that you barely need to be alive to be a male actor in a soft core porno. Then the unthinkable happens: We lose the movie channels. The subscription notice pops up on screen. Just bad timing, we didn't even get to see how it ended. We didn't get the channels back either. Hotel Erotica was gone for good. Unreal, our house was pissed. Curse words. Bewilderment. Astonishment. Then I just watched some real porn on my computer.
And then on to more TV. Did anyone see or read Bravo's list of the 100 TV Characters of all-time?
First, I am sick of lists.
Second, this one sucked.
Third, here's why:
How were Sam and Diane the only people from Cheers on the list? No Norm? No Cliff? No Woody? No Coach? Absurd. That pretty much invalidates the entire list right there. No need to move on.
Speaking of Norm, played by George Wendt, was there any other more comedic and mismatched pair in any music video of all-time than George Wendt and Macaulay Culkin in Michael Jackson's Black and White video???
By the way, I suggest catching the Jamie Foxx episode of Inside the Actors Studio. When the hell are they going to put that out on DVD?
Enough.
Until Next Time.
