Thursday, December 09, 2004
21, such a good number
Alright, I have 21 topics I listed for me to write about. Let's see what I can get to today:
1) We were sitting around the living room of The 213 the other day flipping through to music video channels on our extended cable package thing that we pay too much for, and Janet Jackson's video for "Again" came on. Two things about this video: 1) How hot is it when that dude pulls that chain that is wrapped around her waist out from under her jeans. I want to be under her jeans. And what do you call that thing? Not a necklace, not a bracelet or anklet. I think you have to go with waistlet. Does anyone know the answer? 2) The dude in the video is Gary Dourdan, who plays Warrick Brown on CSI. The realization of this was an excellent moment. Heed mentioned something about him looking familiar, so I redirected my attention away from Janet and put it on him and just as The Rizz was saying, "Yeah," I leaped up from a horizontal position to a position resembling the one that the Sphinx is in and exclaimed, "It's fucking Warrick Brown!" Those are great moments.
2) We have some former Minnesota Twins news. Not the good kind, not the bad kind, but the entertaining kind. Pitcher Denny Neagle, who signed a 5 year, 51 million dollar deal with the Colorado Rockies in 2000, was picked up for soliticiting oral sex from a prostitute. Okay, that was formal newspaper language, here's what happened: he wanted head from a slut so he picked up a hooker and tried to give her forty bucks for it, but got pulled over instead and was arrested. Here's the kicker, the Rockies were able to void his contract. He was guarenteed 10 million this year and 12.5 if the team picked up his option in '06, if not, he would still get a 9 million dollar buy out. So basically, he just gave up 10 million for a blow job he never got. And there is no way a 36 year old pitcher with injury and legal problems is getting anywhere near 10 million. I wouldn't give him 2 million.
3) Latrell Sprewell yelled something vulgar at a female fan who yelled something at him. The NBA gave him a 1 game suspension. It's fucking ridiculous. How many times has he done that in his career and not been suspended? What if a dude yelled the same thing at him and he yelled something similar back? Would he be suspended? Doubtful. The NBA is going to pussyfoot around for awhile I guess now.
4) Grammy Talk. The nominations are out. Let's go through the categories and discuss who will win, who should win, and who wasn't nominated that should have been.
Record of the Year:
Nominees:
"Let's Get it Started" The Black Eyed Peas
"Here We Go Again" Ray Charles and Norah Jones
"American Idiot" Green Day
"Heaven" Los Lonely Boys
"Yeah!" Usher, feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris
Who Will Win? "Here We Go Again" Ray Charles and Norah Jones
Why? Because Ray Charles died this year, so he will win everything. This is how it works folks. Luther Vandross had a stroke and won a bunch of shit and Johnny Cash and his wife died and then won a bunch of shit. I'm not saying they didn't deserve it, I'm just saying that death your ticket to winning a Grammy. I don't know why people vote for them. Do you feel bad for them 'cause they're dead? They are dead, they don't give a shit. If you believe in an after-life, I'm sure their after-life is much more kick-ass and important than a Grammy presented to them by Danny Bonaduce.
Who Should Win? "American Idiot" Green Day - It is time that something politically or socially aware won something. Don't Night Club and Pussy aware bands and songs win shit all the time? Plus Green Day is the only good band on the list (Ray Charles is not a band).
Who wins the Deets Award in this category? "Let Them Eat War" Bad Religion. No explanation needed.
Album of the Year:
Nominees:
Genius Loves Company, Ray Charles and Various Artists
American Idiot, Green DayThe Diary of Alicia Keys, Alica Keys
Confessions, Usher, featuring every R&B, hip-hop, and rap artist still living, produced by a small army of people wearing tilted baseball hats and throwback jerseys
The College Dropout, Kanye West
Who Will Win? Ray Charles. Why? He died.
Who Should Win? Green Day. Why? See above.
I will get on Alica Keys's bandwagon when she quits writing lazy, cliche lyrics. Her music is great, she is uber-talented, but somebody find her a poet to write her lyrics. Hey, it worked for Sir Elton John.
I will get on Kanye West's bandwagon when ditto.
Usher's cd is basically a various artists cd. Scratched from consideration.
Who should win this award? Bad Religion for "The Empire Strikes First"
Song of the Year:
"Daughters" John Mayer
"If I Ain't Got You" Alica Keys
"Jesus Walks" Kanye West
"Live Like You Were Dying" Tim McGraw
"The Reason" Hoobastank
Who Will Win? Mayer. Why? Process of elimination.
If Hoobastank wins, I'm coming to go put my car on the top of a hill and turn it on and aim in straight, them I'm going to run forward, ahead of the car, and lie in the middle of the road and wait for the car to run over my knee caps.
Who Should Win? Bad Religion. For anything on their new album, except for Another Abyss.
Best New Artist:
Nominees:
Los Lonely Boys (Is this reincarnation of OMC)
Maroon5
Joss Stone
Kanye West
Gretched Wilson
Who Wins? Maroon5 Why? Because they are actually musically capable of putting out quality songs.
Who Should Win? None More Black. Check 'em out on Fat Wreck Chords.
That's all I'm predicting. There 107 categories. The only other thing I can say is that I'm glad Usher isn't up for the Music Video award and "Comic the Insult Dog" is up for best comedy album.
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4 down 17 t0 go. I will get there folks. Time to settle down on the couch for two hours.
Until the Thursday Night TV Report.
1) We were sitting around the living room of The 213 the other day flipping through to music video channels on our extended cable package thing that we pay too much for, and Janet Jackson's video for "Again" came on. Two things about this video: 1) How hot is it when that dude pulls that chain that is wrapped around her waist out from under her jeans. I want to be under her jeans. And what do you call that thing? Not a necklace, not a bracelet or anklet. I think you have to go with waistlet. Does anyone know the answer? 2) The dude in the video is Gary Dourdan, who plays Warrick Brown on CSI. The realization of this was an excellent moment. Heed mentioned something about him looking familiar, so I redirected my attention away from Janet and put it on him and just as The Rizz was saying, "Yeah," I leaped up from a horizontal position to a position resembling the one that the Sphinx is in and exclaimed, "It's fucking Warrick Brown!" Those are great moments.
2) We have some former Minnesota Twins news. Not the good kind, not the bad kind, but the entertaining kind. Pitcher Denny Neagle, who signed a 5 year, 51 million dollar deal with the Colorado Rockies in 2000, was picked up for soliticiting oral sex from a prostitute. Okay, that was formal newspaper language, here's what happened: he wanted head from a slut so he picked up a hooker and tried to give her forty bucks for it, but got pulled over instead and was arrested. Here's the kicker, the Rockies were able to void his contract. He was guarenteed 10 million this year and 12.5 if the team picked up his option in '06, if not, he would still get a 9 million dollar buy out. So basically, he just gave up 10 million for a blow job he never got. And there is no way a 36 year old pitcher with injury and legal problems is getting anywhere near 10 million. I wouldn't give him 2 million.
3) Latrell Sprewell yelled something vulgar at a female fan who yelled something at him. The NBA gave him a 1 game suspension. It's fucking ridiculous. How many times has he done that in his career and not been suspended? What if a dude yelled the same thing at him and he yelled something similar back? Would he be suspended? Doubtful. The NBA is going to pussyfoot around for awhile I guess now.
4) Grammy Talk. The nominations are out. Let's go through the categories and discuss who will win, who should win, and who wasn't nominated that should have been.
Record of the Year:
Nominees:
"Let's Get it Started" The Black Eyed Peas
"Here We Go Again" Ray Charles and Norah Jones
"American Idiot" Green Day
"Heaven" Los Lonely Boys
"Yeah!" Usher, feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris
Who Will Win? "Here We Go Again" Ray Charles and Norah Jones
Why? Because Ray Charles died this year, so he will win everything. This is how it works folks. Luther Vandross had a stroke and won a bunch of shit and Johnny Cash and his wife died and then won a bunch of shit. I'm not saying they didn't deserve it, I'm just saying that death your ticket to winning a Grammy. I don't know why people vote for them. Do you feel bad for them 'cause they're dead? They are dead, they don't give a shit. If you believe in an after-life, I'm sure their after-life is much more kick-ass and important than a Grammy presented to them by Danny Bonaduce.
Who Should Win? "American Idiot" Green Day - It is time that something politically or socially aware won something. Don't Night Club and Pussy aware bands and songs win shit all the time? Plus Green Day is the only good band on the list (Ray Charles is not a band).
Who wins the Deets Award in this category? "Let Them Eat War" Bad Religion. No explanation needed.
Album of the Year:
Nominees:
Genius Loves Company, Ray Charles and Various Artists
American Idiot, Green DayThe Diary of Alicia Keys, Alica Keys
Confessions, Usher, featuring every R&B, hip-hop, and rap artist still living, produced by a small army of people wearing tilted baseball hats and throwback jerseys
The College Dropout, Kanye West
Who Will Win? Ray Charles. Why? He died.
Who Should Win? Green Day. Why? See above.
I will get on Alica Keys's bandwagon when she quits writing lazy, cliche lyrics. Her music is great, she is uber-talented, but somebody find her a poet to write her lyrics. Hey, it worked for Sir Elton John.
I will get on Kanye West's bandwagon when ditto.
Usher's cd is basically a various artists cd. Scratched from consideration.
Who should win this award? Bad Religion for "The Empire Strikes First"
Song of the Year:
"Daughters" John Mayer
"If I Ain't Got You" Alica Keys
"Jesus Walks" Kanye West
"Live Like You Were Dying" Tim McGraw
"The Reason" Hoobastank
Who Will Win? Mayer. Why? Process of elimination.
If Hoobastank wins, I'm coming to go put my car on the top of a hill and turn it on and aim in straight, them I'm going to run forward, ahead of the car, and lie in the middle of the road and wait for the car to run over my knee caps.
Who Should Win? Bad Religion. For anything on their new album, except for Another Abyss.
Best New Artist:
Nominees:
Los Lonely Boys (Is this reincarnation of OMC)
Maroon5
Joss Stone
Kanye West
Gretched Wilson
Who Wins? Maroon5 Why? Because they are actually musically capable of putting out quality songs.
Who Should Win? None More Black. Check 'em out on Fat Wreck Chords.
That's all I'm predicting. There 107 categories. The only other thing I can say is that I'm glad Usher isn't up for the Music Video award and "Comic the Insult Dog" is up for best comedy album.
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4 down 17 t0 go. I will get there folks. Time to settle down on the couch for two hours.
Until the Thursday Night TV Report.
